I normally do not post humor, but I’m in a funny mood tonight. We can all most likely use a brief happiness break, so here goes.
Ah well, so a good pastor arrived in heaven, and the angels were showin him around: there was his nice little cottage and a field with some cows, and birds chirpin in the country side, and downtown of course there were the usual shops and things, and of course a StarBucks in every block. So while the angel is givin the new pastor the grand tour of his new home, there comes up a rukus like as you have never heard before: shoutin and trumpets and a full parade with clowns and floats and everything!
The pastor looked up at the angel and asked him what was going on. “Oh”, said the angel, “That must be the new guy, that grizzled old sea captain.”
Well now as the floats were gettin closer he could see a bit better and sure enough there was a float shaped like the bridge of a sailin ship and pearched atop it with all the smiling friends you could imagine was this one little ol’ sea captain, jus’ standing there lookin like he could eat you for breakfast.
And they partied right on by the pastor with narry a nod and off to some huge place with gold trim and oodles of hired help and it turns out that is the guys new home.
Well, the pastor is a wee bit perplexed, you see, since he didn’t get none of the like, and he turns to the angel and asks him why.
“Well sir, you see” explained the angel, “it is a simple matter of supply and demand. We have lots of good pastors up here, but do you know how hard it is to get one grizzled old sea captain?”
Three legged chicken
Ah well then, if you haven’t changed web sites yet, I’ll try again. It seems one day a fairly wealthy man decided he would pander to his middle aged whims and went shoppin for a sports car. He found a nice red convertable for himself, paid in cash, and took it out for a spin in the country.
He was cruisin along at 40 miles per hour when he looks at the peaceful farm scape beside him and to his total surprise, sees a chicken in his rear view mirror. The chicken, it seems, is runnin along have a nice peaceful day as well, and keeping pace nicely with the new sports car.
Now it is a bit disturbing to a man to have a chicken running just as fast as his auto, but for a man in a new sports car this is completely unacceptable, so the man gives it a bit of gas and cruises down the road at 60 now.
The chicken jobs right up beside the drivers door and smiles at the man. He sees it has not two but three legs.
Now the rich fella is really upset, so he floors the accelerator pedal and the car leaps up to 200 miles per hour. At that point, he hears the chicken say something like “Beep beep!” and it zooms past him twice as fast, leaving the man in the dust.
So he takes his foot off the gas, slows down, and as it would be, he is just commin up on a small farm with a man sittin on the porch reading the newspaper.
He simply must find out what is going on and so he pulls into the farmer’s drive and walks up to the porch to talk to him.
“Did you see that?” he asked the farmer.
“Yap.” sighed the farmer without even looking up from his paper.
“Passed me like I was standing still” gasped the man.
“Yap.” The farmer was now a bit irritated.
“Three legged chicken” exclaimed the rich man.
“Yap” sighed the farmer, perhaps a bit more irritated than before.
“Where do they come from?” asked the man.
The farmer gave up on readin and folded the paper down in his lap, staring right at the man.
“We raise ’em” answered the farmer.
“Why?” asked the man
The farmer sighed again and said “Ma wants a leg, the boy wants a leg, I want a leg: three legged chicken.”
The man thought about this and it did sound like a good idea. So he asked “Well, how do they taste?”
“Don’t know” sighed the farmer as he resumed readin, “We ain’t never caught one.”
There was once a fella that decided that he was going to get himself a car before he died, so he went on into town. The thing was the only vehicles he had ever used in his entire life had been stick shift, and he wanted something nice, so the dealer sat him down in a spiffy two door coupe and let him take it out for a spin.
When the dealer saw the wreckage, this is how he recounted the events.
Walll, when that man set me down in the seat I asked him where they put the clutch, and he said this here is a new kinda car that don’t need no clutch. He said all I gotta do is move this here lever and it will go for me.
So I looked at it. It was a nice looking car, and I’ve had Fords, and I’ve had Chevys, but I ain’t never had a Perundle before. So, I look at it and right there across the steering column they gotta a plastic thing with its name on it: PRuNDDL. Beautiful.
So I decided I wanted to see what this car can do and I put that lever right down the middle on N. It made a lot of noise but no matter how much gas I gave it she just sat still, so I figured N was for Noise. Then I saw another car at the light ahead, so I dropped it down into Drag #1, and it rolled right out there next to him. He looked at me and I looked at him and he smiled at me, then the light turned and it was on.
He took off like a shot so I dropped it down into Drag #2 and caught up to him, then I dropped it into Loud and made so much noise he looked up just long enough I could get past him.
Well he and I was going to it far a while, and then while he was behind me I decided to end it then and there, so I dropped it down into Race and when I left he was still pickin his teeth out of the windshield.
Taking it to heaven
Well there was this man who loved his money, In fact he was particularly inamoured with gold bars: he liked the way the felt, their heft, their touch, everything. And he was getting on in years and really could not bear the though of leaving them behind when he went on to heaven.
And so he talked with the LORD and eventually the LORD gave in and gave him permission to bring them along with him when he died.
At the gate of heaven, he comes on up to Saint Peter, draggin a suit case behind him.
“What’s in the case?” asks Peter.
“”Oh” said the man, “something I simply cannot do without.”
“Well you know it isn’t allowed” offered Peter gently.
“I got permission from the LORD himself” said the man.
And when Peter checked the books yes there was a note that the man could bring in his stuff with him. So Peter calls an angel to show him to his new home and as the man is pulling the suitcase after him Peter asks “Would you mind, sir. I am just so curious! What exactly is it that was so important to you that you could not leave it behind?”
“:Oh would you like to see?” asked the man excitedly. “Here, touch one of these. Look at how pretty they are!” and he opened the suitcase to show Peter all his pretty gold bars.
“Oh very nice” smiled Peter gently “You brought along some paving bricks”.
Years ago I heard a tale of a prominent dairy farmer and her little milch maid who worked for her. They got along all right and all that, but eventually the little maid passed away and went to heaven and soon after her mistress died as well.
So at the gate of Heaven an angel greets this prominent dairy farmer and takes her to see her new home. They’re takin’ as they walk and the angel points out various sites along the way, and they come to the milch maid’s home and it is nice — picket fence, neat yard, some pretty flowers in a bed.
So the farmer is thinking if her milch maid rates a nice place like that then she will have a really nice place herself, and she is really enjoying the walk. They go on down through the city streets, out into the suburbs, and down a country road.
The pasture smells so nice and the air is fresh and the trees are leafy and, well everything is so very pleasant as the country can be. So they turn off the road onto a dirt path, and down the path to a field, and through the field to a gate and on the other side of the gate there sites a cardboard box under a tree.
So the angel says to the woman “Well, here we are. what do you think.”
And the woman says “What do I think about what?”
And the angel says “You new home, your house. Here.”
So the woman says “It’s a nice enough field, sure it could be built here.”
And the angel says “No there. Under the tree. ”
So now the woman understands that the box under the tree is her new house, and she is a bit displeased. Seeing her unhappy, the angel says “Madam, please. You must understand: we did the best we could with the money you sent on ahead.”
Now I hope your day is a bit happier! We here at Adult Life Training are an all volunteer team. None of us gets a salary from the work we do, no not since the beginning over a decade ago. But the people we help learn skills so that they can get and keep a real job without continuing to be a burden to the taxpayers are (by definition) unemployed and poor: the gas or bus fair to get to our computer lab is often a hardship for them and some do go hungry.
If you would like to send just a bit to heaven ahead of you, we are a good place to help. We will use what you give for the benefit of the community, not for our own enrichment, and we will be happy to send a tax receipt if you give more than a few dollars. PayPal has provided a button above to take you directly to their secure payment page where you may give whatever amount you feel lead of God to invest in our work. PayPal keeps the first 30 cents and 3% after that, so we will get about 60 cents if you give a dollar, or 1.60 if you give two. Of course we get all of the money if you feel lead to mail us a check!
Our PayPal button is in the upper left of our web page, and our mailing address is; Adult Life Training, Inc., c/o Abundant Life, 3301 E Coliseum Blvd, Room 135, Fort Wayne, IN 46805 USA
Thank-you for letting us into your mind-space for a few minutes, and may God bless.